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Just For Openers

Keys jingle and bells jingle, but keys are not bells. And although the word does have a certain ring to it, it should in no way be confused with a key ring which, as everyone knows, is almost exactly like a key chain, at no time would they be considered a chain gang.

Ignition keys found on key chains are used by people to get up and go, while keys to the city are given to people on the go. There are skate keys, keys to ideas, and the key of C, which, as everyone knows, bears no resemblance to the letter "C". If a key were a letter, it could be a typewriter key, which is not to say that one typewriter key can compose a letter.

A key may fit a golden lock, but at no time should that be confused with Goldilocks, who certainly didn't need a key at all to get into the Three Bears' house. While it's true that keys open locks, it's doubtful that a key could open bagels and lox or locks of hair, and you'd need more than a key to open the locks on the Panama Canal. It is said that keys unlock hearts, but everyone knows that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach.

Keys are grooved and keys are notched, but it must be realized that not everyone who carries a notched key is a notch above the rest. To say that a small key is a wee key is at no time to suggest that it is a Kiwi, which is certainly a horse of a different color. A donkey is not a key, but there's no question that he could open a door if he put his mind to it. Keys open doors to discovery, which in Benjamin Franklin's case was a shocking situation, and a skeleton in anyone's closet can be revealed by using a skeleton key. The Florida Keys are not keys at all, yet some submit they open the door to happiness.

While a key many be used to unlock a church, it should in no way be confused with a church key, which though it is seldom found anywhere near a church can be the answer to a prayer. Francis Scott Key's Star Spangled Banner is often played on piano keys which have never been known to open any doors. There are key signatures which nobody writes but which show musicians in what key a song is to be played. Politicians who may or may not be musicians are fond of giving keynote addresses and may be heard to speak in a high key, but that is in no way indicates they are keyed up.

A keystone holds things up, unlike the Keystone Cops who probably never held anyone up. It is not known whether Keystone Cops ever operated in Pennsylvania, which as everyone knows is nicknamed the Keystone State.

Keys unlock jails that are also called the lock-up and the can, But keys that open cans are quite different from those that open jails, and it is wise to remember that when one is thrown into the can, one hardly ever ends up with some nice tomatoes, A jailer's assistant is a turnkey, which is not to be confused with a turncoat. A turnkey is also not a turkey, which is no key at all.

And even though all of this rings true, there's certainly no reason to believe that it has anything to do with bells. Keys jingle and bells jingle but... 

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